Be Still: Part III

Welcome back. Here is my last post on Be Still. I hope you've been able to gain something from this. I'm still learning it and striving to do better.

That weekend my parents had planned to go to a christian gospel concert "The Crabb Family" concert. I was excited for them to go (they don't get much alone time or get to go anywhere just the two of them) and have a good time, but due to some sudden circumstances that week my parents decided to take us with them. My sister and I got to stay in the hotel and watch "The Hobbit"! Which neither of us had seen yet. It was nice and fun to get away for a while.

However, during that quiet and peaceful time someone kept surfacing to the forefront of my mind. I cried quite a few times during the movie because it made me think of him (LOTR's were his favorite movies). Long story short, this boy broke my heart not too long ago. After he pushed me away I tried to forgive him because I knew it was the right thing to do. And, honestly, the only way I was going to move past it all. It had been a few months since I thought about him. I'd been focusing on recovering because I had a lot of emotional pain. I really loved him, but not just in a romantic way.
That never got in my way of our brother/sister friendship. But it was all tossed away like a scrap of paper and I lost the only brother I ever had (I'm the oldest of three sisters). It truly tore me apart.

Through our entire relationship God had helped me keep any feelings from dissolving our friendship. No matter what my feelings may have been so long as we kept the brother/sister friendship I would be okay. Romantic feelings will pass, especially when you hand them over to God {1 Peter 5:7}. And so I did.

Even after I told this guy I had feelings for him and he said he wasn't interested, I helped him pursue another girl. I even made friends with her and we got along really well. Ironic, right?


After I finally said enough was enough, I'd been finding it extremely difficult to forgive him. He'd hurt me so bad in the months leading to the end. The arguments, pushing me away, etc,. They churned in my mind and heart until a bitter poison coursed through my veins; that bitterness aiming for my heart. It became so embedded in me that I couldn't read God's word for encouragement and comfort without feeling hurt, angry, argumentative, and confused. When I realized how bad it had gotten it made me even sadder because that's not what I wanted. I didn't want my relationship with Christ to be estranged. He stuck by me, helped me through all those times, and he hadn't stopped now. He didn't want to me lock myself  away with the lights off. He didn't want me to be sad, hurt, and alone. But the only one who could ask for help was... Me.

He was already there and waiting. I began praying. Asking him to heal me. I wanted my that closeness back with Jesus so badly. I had a lot of healing left and only He was going to get me through it.

It took some time. At first it was very hard to push through that hurt, but God sent a random person (though she couldn't have been truly random if God sent her!) my way that helped and put some salve on my wounds.

I posted previously about her: Getting Over Your Ex w/ Jesus! by Deeanna Scott. If your having trouble getting over an Ex-bf/gf than I highly recommend reading her posts. Or even if you aren't, its worth sparing a few minutes to read. Her message felt like it came straight from God! It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Back to that weekend, it had been two months since I started asking for God's help and healing. I had been thinking less and less of my friend so it was strange when I suddenly kept thinking about him for no real reason.
After The Hobbit, I got a notification that he signed up for an app that I had. Coincidence? It made me think twice about it and so I began asking God to show me what it was he wanted me to do. A week of praying and I got my answer: I needed to tell him I forgave him. I didn't know if he harbored any hard feelings towards me since I was the one who technically ended it, but when I thought about it I didn't want him to grow in the same bitterness from regret and guilt as I had been. No matter how much I wanted him to know the pain he caused, I didn't want him to live with that burden forever.

I composed an email (there was no way I could talk to him, if he would have even talked to me) and sent it. I didn't care if he emailed me back; I almost asked him not to. I wasn't there to be a friend to him again. I just wanted him to know I forgave him and even apologized for anything I may have said or done wrong.
He replied back an hour later. Sometimes I really wished he hadn't and just left it to me to assume he received it and did with it whatever he wanted. At least I had forgiven him, finally, and could truly move on.
I was scared to read it, I didn't know if he was going to be angry or want to try being friends again. Neither of which I wanted. But I had to trust in Jesus that there was a reason he wanted me to go through all this. So, I opened it.

I cried. He wasn't angry, but the reply was... so forced. He only said what he said out of obligation. There was no heart or sincerity like before. I might have even overlooked it, but some things he said kind of hurt. Like when he said he had 'already forgiven any feelings he had hurt from me'. So he didn't forgive me but forgave himself for being hurt by me? So did he forgive me or just himself?
After reading his apology, forced or not, I was glad he saw what he had done wrong (he apologized for things I never thought he'd see) and prayed again he would continue to grow from it and would be able to do better now.
However, he couldn't leave it at just that, he had to tell me how he is now (less than two months later) engaged to be married (to a different girl). Why did he need to add that? Why couldn't we have just parted ways without knowing anything else about the other? He already made it clear we could never be friends and I had made it clear I wasn't coming back. So since we're not going to be a part of each other's lives, neither of us needed to know how the other was doing or what we've been doing or what our future plans were. As sad as it makes me to say it, I think he wanted to see what my reaction would be. Why? I don't think I want to know. Since it would just raise more questions and hurt that much more.

Though the apology was bittersweet, instead of letting the bitter part come back inside I asked God to help me accept the good in the email and say goodbye. That's when I realized this wasn't about me freeing my friend from pain and guilt, but freeing me! I had yet to completely let him go. I had been in that healing process and I was finally at the next step: forgiveness for myself. I didn't know it, but God had it all planned out. I sent my final goodbye email, thanking him for apologizing and wishing and blessing him on the rest of his journey.

It was a grieving yet humbling experience. Never in my life so far had I had to let someone once so close and so precious to me, go. But I know he's in God's hands. I'm not God, I can't fix him or change him. I was brought into his life to help him for a season in his life. I didn't walk away empty-handed though. I gained a lot from the experience during and after.

I learned:

• What it feels like to be loved
• That God's love is 100x more than even that love
• Who I'm supposed to rely on completely: Jesus!
• That I am capable of more than I thought
• Forgiveness {Ephesians 4:31-32}
• I'm more secure in myself than I realized
• And that I am able to truly live out that kind of love {1 Cor 13:4-7}

And I'm learning more as I seek Him.

Throughout that entire experience starting from part I of this post, was that God was whispering* this to me through everything during those two weeks: "Be still and know that I am God. Though these people have hurt you, I will heal you. Though you are sad, I will dry your tears. Though you feel alone, My arms are wrapped around you tenderly but firmly and they will never let you go. I will take care of you because I Love You."


It's an overwhelming yet calming feeling.

*My youngest sister quoted back to me from one of her books during this time as well.

"God whispers because he is close." -- Crash the Chatter Box, Steven Furtick

That couldn't be any truer. :) GOD BLESS.

Be Still: part I
Be Still: part II

Be Still: Part II

"BE CAREFUL! Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour. Take a firm stand against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are."  

―1 Peter 5:8-9 (NLT)

What a warning. It can't get any clearer than that!

So where were we? Oh yes, last time if you remember my family and I had all taken a bad case of food poisoning (all are well, though I'm more easily nauseated than before, but I pray that passes soon, too) and how even in the midst of physical pain or discomfort we can't forget who takes care of us. JESUS. Thank you, Lord! The Devil wasn't done with us quite yet. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing {Matthew 7:15}, he crept in and bared his teeth trying to tear us apart.

I was at the beginning of recovery when I saw firsthand just how low the Devil will go to knock you down. Using any means necessary including friends and family, whomever is closest to you. He doesn't care. This was a huge test of faith {1 Peter 1:7} and I believe we became stronger as a family because of it.

I would share with you the full story of what happened. Honestly, I believe it would be a great testimony if you knew all the details, but I've prayed long about this and I feel right now it would only cause more harm as well as humiliate and shame the party this story is about. Though I hope they are ashamed of their behavior, I also pray they turn away and learn from it and do better. That is the power of Mercy and Forgiveness. Turning the other cheek {Luke 6:29}. Praying for them when you feel it so hard to pray for them. That is what makes us strong in faith and in God's love. Maybe one day I will share the story with you and you can see the full grace and presence of God in the situation. It truly made me cry. I could feel God with us and in me that week.

I still struggled with the emotional pain inside though. I couldn't believe what had happened and at the same time I was thinking "I'm not surprised, this is exactly how the Devil plays ball." Though it only works if the people listen to his whispers and lies and especially acts upon them. One of the verses that kept popping out to me, repeatedly though was:

"Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it over night and remain silent."  

―Psalm 4:4 (NLT)

That's exactly what Satan wanted that night. He wanted us to lash out at each other, burn bridges and focus on everything except Christ Jesus! But I did the opposite. I turned to Jesus and he showed me the true enemy. Instead of letting the flame that had been ignited turn into an all consuming fire, we doused it with prayer. Over the phone, my family and I prayed over them right then and right there. Through tears of heartache and pain, we prayed for those who hurt us and set out to hurt us and were preparing for, been waiting and staging, a fight.

“If they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the whole house.” 

 ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I know my dad struggled most, but I couldn't have been prouder of him for showing so much strength. Trusting in God to fight this battle. That's where I found this verse such a source of strength to me. I need only to stay calm, the Lord will fight for me...{Exodus 14:14} There is a different version of this verse, one that made me laugh when I read it cause it's so straightforward. Like a kick in the rear when you didn't know you needed it. 

" God will fight the battle for you. 

And you? You keep your mouths shut!”

―Exodus 14:14 (The Message)

I think that gets the point across, don't you? Oh how the Lord can find ways to lift your spirits. 

Third Lesson: Stay calm and pray! God will take care of it. You don't need to lift a finger just be silent. I couldn't have heard Him say it any clearer than that that week. And, so I did, as did my family. 

The rest of the week seemed long, but it moved quickly. I couldn't sleep yet I was so tired. My sister and I spent the rest of the week in our fort. She watched over me a lot because she knew how much I was hurting, thus hurting for me as well. So, I just want to give a shout out to my little sister! You bring more light into my world. Jesus made you beautiful and I'm so glad he blessed me with you instead of that brother I so desperately wanted before you were born. I LOVE YOU!

I'm still not finished telling you about that week, I still have a few more days to tell you about, but you will have to wait for Be Still: Part III. The final part. Don't be shy, you are always welcome here. Have a cookie and some milk. My other sister just brought some chocolate chip cookies home from work and they are just waiting for me to bring them out of their hiding place!

GOD BLESS

(Be Still: Part I)

Be Still: Part I

It's been a little while since you've really heard from me, of my thoughts and my heart. Believe me when I tell you there's been a lot going on in both. The last couple of weeks have been a true test of faith. I won't bore you with details, but I am going to share with you some of the things I've learned. I'll separate them into two or three posts to give you all a chance to breathe between cake bites and milk, or tea if you prefer.

My family and I went to a book sale last month, we all had such a great time! I found so many books, for myself and my sister (I'm really good at iSpy, so my sister was really glad to have me around). It was a great start to a marvelous weekend. Usually I get a ton of books, but this time I decided I would keep it under $20 and sure enough once I had cut all the ones I didn't need or really truly want I got just under with 50 cents to spare! The rest of day was beautiful, sun shining and wind brushing across our cheeks so gently.

Saturday was just as fine a day. Our family doodled and doddled and cruised around town. Enjoying the lovely day as we may. I couldn't have had a better day, I thanked God. Well, you know how that ole Devil despises happiness and praise. And, he will do anything to shift our focus away from God.
That night we ate a local restaurant and all, except my mom praise the Lord, got food poisoning.
First my dad and younger sister got it so bad they both had to go to the emergency at 3am that night. The next day my youngest sister and I were sick, but thankfully we were spared from having to go to the emergency room, ours wasn't as severe. In fact, my sister had to go back again to the ER due to complications from the whole ordeal; her chest cavity was inflamed and she was having a hard time breathing. She's well now, thank the Lord! We are all well again.

First lesson from this story: watch what you eat! If the food looks
bad or doesn't seem cooked or is cold when it should be warm or is warm when it should be cold or something just plain doesn't seem right with even just one piece of food ...WALK AWAY.

Here's the thing though, even if you do get sick, whether its food poisoning, a common cold, or something much worse, don't forget that though your body may be weak your spirit is still strong. Cause that's what the Devil is really up to, he's out to crush our spirits by putting our bodies against us. But here's some wise words I'd like to share:

"The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear it if the spirit is crushed?" --Proverbs 18:14 (NLT)

Seriously! When have you ever honestly heard of someone being able to bear a crushed spirit? They can live without legs and feet or hands and arms, but the spirit... It's worse to have a crushed spirit, believe me!
See these bodies aren't made to last (since sin entered the world) anymore, they are of this earth {Genesis 2:7} but God has new heavenly vessels waiting for us in Heaven.

"For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put in new heavenly bodies." -- 2 Corinthians 5:3

God has guaranteed it {2 Corinthians 5:5} by giving us his Holy Spirit. I'm honestly looking forward to it; excited to tell the truth. Since I know what he has made for me up there will be beautiful. The pain, the sickness, won't last forever but His love endures forever. It's easy to forget when your hurting and sick, I'm just as much at fault as anyone for doing it. He loves you, wants to help you; he does help you. But instead we say: "Just gotta let it run its course, I'll be fine." As if we are to bear, or are bearing, it on our own! Think about this a moment.
To anyone who's been helping you: fetching your water, a wet cloth, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, or keeping people from disturbing you as you rest, would you say, "It took a few days, but I got all better! I'm right as rain, fit as a fiddle, just had to give it some time"?

Wow.

If you were that helpful person, wouldn't you feel like you'd just been slapped in the face? You'd think "how ungrateful." Oh you know you would, don't fib sweetie. *wink* I know I would. I know I'd also feel like such a heel for not giving credit and my sincere thanks to the one who helped me get well. I wouldn't be able to look them straight in the eyes! How could I be so ungrateful?

Second Lesson: Remember to Thank Him {Psalms 136:1} even in your weary state. Even if its just a quick whisper, for He loves a thankful heart. And next time you're sick or weary from these earthly bodies, remember it is only your body that is ill, not your soul {Matthew 10:28}. Don't let that silly ole Devil get you down in the dumps, he can't win cause Jesus already has! Your soul is secure if you keep believing Jesus is your Savior and live for Him.

Alas this is only the beginning of the story. "Be Still: Part II" will be coming soon. I can't wait for you to come back, I really do enjoy our little chats. Sorry I couldn't offer you an apple but I'm afraid they weren't quite right. Maybe next time though, yes? Oh maybe you like pears, I love pears.

God bless you!